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Have to write about this somewhere.

Oh dreams and fantasies.

Dreamt last night that I won a week long trip to England with Evil Paul. Good lord such a good dream. I often dream that he and I are much closer than we are irl. Something my little heart yearns for.

Ah well, maybe one day we will be better friends.

The cycle continues

Remember how I said the friendship between Matt and I was over, well that didn't last all that long... and now we find ourselves at yet another ending. Seems more permanent this time... his actions lately have dissapointed me and filled me with rage. Which is something. Maybe I need to hate him to be done with it all.

Bleh. Been down a lot latelt. Therapist thinks I should seek medication for bipolar episodes. Tired.

Hate myself a lot lately too.

Wheeeee, fun update.

Maybe in a good place? At least for today.
So at this very moment, I feel like I am in a good place.
Even though today seems to be the end of my friendship with Matthew.
But I think it was really time to move on from all of that. We were no longer adding anything positive to each other's lives. So, weirdly okay with the whole thing ending.

Currently at the end point of an intensive summer session for my degree. Classes focusing on trauma, aging, and psychopharmacology. 6 hour long days of one class. Brain melting stuff.
But very interesting.

Therapy has been going well. Just slowly starting to work through sexual assaults and the effects that I am living with. Long long process ahead of me, but I'm glad to be started.


So tonight I went out to the gala that the graduate department was throwing. 20s themed. Neat place. But the moment I walked in, I felt very very out of place.

I am an overweight female. I do not wear makeup often. I have a very short haircut. I am what society would consider ugly.

People in my life tell me otherwise, but they are not me. They don't go through the daily crap that is society and see how much people react to you based on your appearance whem you are an ugly female.

I find that for the most part I am invisible. If I am out with Logan or a friend, anyone we encounter will speak to them, and not me. Make eye contact with them, but not me.

And when they do talk to me, it is very short, or filled with way too much politeness. But who knows, maybe I read too much into it.

I do encounter individuals that talk to me like an actual human,  but those gems of a person are few and far between.

I don't know. I have never loved my body or my face. I am often filled with overwhelming self loathing. But I wish that strangers on the street didn't inforce that schema.


I have been plagued by the same nightmare sporadically for over a year. Its always a situation in which I see Larry, and panick and intense fear consume me.

I am very angry that I have these dreams.
Very angry that this man has so impacted my life.

Larry raped me in October of last year.
He also took my virginity when he was in his early 40s and I was 16.

I was going to vend Bats Day again this year, but have hit with so much anxiety and fear that he will be there, that I cancelled this week.

I hate that. I hate that I am afraid to go to an event that I have loved for years. I hate that he has caused me to be so afraid.

I have identifyed as Asexual for the past year. Sex has always hurt. Always been unpleasant. But after that october, i just couldnt do it anymore. And so i have also been single since.

Just... tired feeling like he won.

A new beginning
After... 11 years, I have decided to delete my old journal, and start new.

There was just too much negativity on the old account, and I can no longer live in that.

Today is my 26th birthday,
and it is time to start embracing the positive in my life and stop wallowing.

I am ready to start living right.